


As Our Tragedies Atrophy

by phandomestic



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan Angst, Phandom Big Bang 2015, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9291695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandomestic/pseuds/phandomestic
Summary: what’s the point oftragedy if i can’tkiss you through it?- crimescenedPhil is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at age 56. Determined to stay by his side despite all odds, Dan perseveres as a caretaker for over sixteen years and reflects on their life together when Phil no longer can.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted 13 October 2015 - http://paeracosms.tumblr.com/post/131139313540
> 
> I can’t believe I actually did this omg this is the first “multi-chaptered” phanfic I’ve ever actually finished. Thanks to my beta, Meg, for listening to all my rambles and changes and helping me decide what fit and what didn’t. Hanna was deffo a trooper who helped me as a pinch hitter artist last minute. You can check out her art here. Anyway, I leave this for you all to read. I would appreciate it greatly if you tell me what you think! Also, these sections below don’t necessarily have a standard and unified word count, they’re merely titles to signify the various stages they went through.

_You’re so strong_ , they said. _I can’t imagine going through this_. No one can. Some people are more resilient than others. For fifteen years, Dan Howell was one of those people. Except he had to handle comments that were just the opposite. _Why don’t you leave him? There’s no point in staying. You have a future ahead of you. Don’t throw it all away for_ him _. This is weak. You’re being weak._

The truth is, he was neither strong nor weak. He was just going through the motions, letting the wind sail him to whatever direction fate intended him to. That’s the thing about fate, he’s reasoned. If you’re being dealt cards from the hands of fate and you have no choice but to accept it or be an utter arsehole for quitting the game, that’s not being strong. It’s living.  
  
He thinks about his days in his early twenties, when he was so fixated on the future and what it held for him (or what it didn’t), that he’d drive himself into an existential anxiety. Common sense would say finding out the person who means the most in the world to him has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease would only worsen that existential anxiety, but that wasn’t the case, and he never claimed to be the golden poster child of common sense either.

There was never any time to worry about the future or his own for that matter. The news kind of shocked him into a carpe diem frame of mind. At the fear of time weighing upon them and the prevalent knowledge that one day Phil Lester might not even remember who he is, he was more concerned with savoring every lasting moment they had with each other.  
  
Hindsight’s burden is a beautiful thing. It’s a curse and a blessing all at once. A curse because it’s funny how something as morbid as death changes things, makes everything feel more real, yet justified. The blessing, on the other hand, is clarity, perspective.  
  
This perspective could possibly help him solve the answer to the most prevalent question that weighed in his mind: Who am I without Phil Lester? Everything he’s done for most of his life was for him, because of him, because he loved him.   
  
Now that’s not to say he’d rather take everything back. After all, he’s always been a believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’, or at the very least, that his life might not have turned out the way it did if he chose an alternate path. Believe him when he says that although there are far too many cringe worthy moments he’d rather have not gone through, he wouldn’t change one second of it.

Even if he wanted to, Phil’s fate wasn’t his to take back. That wouldn’t be fair to him, to deny his resolution just because he hoped it would be different. No, he won’t do that. He won’t curse and rage and fall into a pit of despair. 'Til the very last second, Phil never faltered. Why, then, should he? Dan will always remember him as that: the hopeful. The strongest of them all.


	2. Genesis

If there’s one thing Dan’s learned about Phil over the years, it was that he never needed to concern himself with writing lists. Imagine his surprise when he stepped into their kitchen one morning, and instead of finding him preparing breakfast for the two of them and humming to himself, because this was the domestic routine they’ve fallen into, Phil is hunched over on the kitchen counter, pen in hand as it moved along in a frantic scrawl on paper.

“Morning.” Dan faked a yawn as he stepped into the kitchen, observing the way Phil rushed and crumpled the paper almost instantly to shove it behind him out of Dan’s view.

This wasn’t successful though, as when he looked up at Dan, the response died in his throat. Dan’s gaze of scrutiny was sudden, but he knew that look.

“Dan, I—“  

“You don’t want to tell me what’s wrong,” He stated simply as he approached Phil. “If you did, you would’ve told me months ago what’s been up with you. I’ve noticed. It’s fine. Just… tell me when you’re ready.” He sighed and encircled his arms around Phil’s waist, feeling the other frowning when he kissed him on the cheek.

“I know what you’re doing,” Phil accused. “Trying to make me feel guilty.”

“I’m doing no such thing, Phil Lester,” He chuckled, stepping back and swerving around him to pull open the fridge.

Silence fell upon them as Dan prepared their breakfast, and if Dan wasn’t waiting for a retort, he would’ve missed the barely-there voice that countered.

“If I knew what was wrong, I’d tell you.”

-

Unfortunately for Phil, the confusion only worsened in the months that followed. There was the time that he swore he lost his keys only to find them in the freezer of all places, or there was the time that he completely forgot about the holiday he planned with Martyn. There was the time he was trying to film a baking video with Dan and was secretly struggling with following the recipe directions, but there was also the time he forgot the name of one of his nephews when he visited Martyn, Cornelia, and the rest of their family.

But none of these instances could rival the one catalyst that changed everything. To his success, he was able to evade Dan’s questioning and it seemed as if their encounter in the kitchen was the only clash they had about whatever this was. This relief, however, was not long lasting.

The Dan and Phil show on BBC Radio 1 was once again theirs for two hours on the first Sunday of every month. This had been their schedule since 2026, it worked perfectly alongside their YouTube careers that only exponentially grew over time, and by 2042 they were far past comfortable doing the radio show.

There was one particular show that wasn’t as comfortable for Phil. Nearly two hours passed of things running smoothly just as they had always been, but Phil could feel his hands getting clammy again. A sense of dread swirled in the pit of his stomach. Blanking out and feeling his surroundings melt into nothingness had been typical at this point, but once he snapped back into focus, the prospect of playing the song they had planned completely slipped his mind.

His heart pounded as he stared at the camera, and he opened his mouth to speak but the words he were searching for were nowhere to be found. They were nearly done, he was doing so well.

“Anyway, here’s our last song for tonight,” Dan piped in. “Taking you guys on a blast to the past. Here is Yellow by Coldplay.”

He waved goodbye and Phil could only muster a forced smile until they were off air. It was then that Dan ended up turning to Phil.

“Phil, what happened?” In the split moment his eyes locked with Dan, Phil knew it was over. His face burned bright red, he was sure of it, and he was stood still, not knowing how to react. He wouldn’t be able to escape. Or at least, he couldn’t escape mentally, but he sure as heck could physically.

In an instant, he removed his headphones and bolted out the door, out of the studio, and didn’t stop until he was outside the building, panting as he caught his breath.

Dan eventually caught up with him at their flat. He had a mix of emotions after that radio show. Frustration, confusion, and most of all, hurt fogged in his mind. He was calm and patient about it, and assumed that Phil was at least _okay_ , but that incident proved just how wrong he was. He _tried_ being patient, he _trusted_ Phil to tell him if anything was wrong. After all, that was only fair right? They’ve been by each other’s side for thirty-six goddam years for fuck’s sake, and he had enough.

“What the hell is going on with you?” Dan shouted at Phil who was sat on his bed writing yet again, _another list_.

He couldn’t help but glower at the piece of paper that probably had a better idea about what was going on than he did. That’s all Phil ever seemed to do in those days of silence.

“Dan, please. Not now.”

“If not now, then when, Phil? You’ve been hiding something from me for almost two years now.”

“I know.”

“That’s it?” Dan scoffed. “You know?”

Silence again. Truthfully, Phil didn’t know what to say and there was nothing but sadness written all over his face. It was only a matter of time before Dan confronted him, and it didn’t matter when that would’ve been in the long run. He wouldn’t be prepared either way. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Dan, and here he was doing just that.

Dan cursed under his breath and felt the hurt bubbling up in his chest again. There was nothing he could do. His emotions completely spilled over and out, and he couldn’t stop the flow of tears down his face.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”

Phil looked up at him and bit his lip. He sighed and scooted over to allow him some space. “Sit.”

Dan sluggishly dragged his feet to the bed and sat. He rubbed his eyes and then leaned against the other’s chest. He didn’t pry. He never did, but he hoped he’d at least get something, anything. It was getting awfully tiring in the dark.

“I should be the one apologizing,” Phil began. “And you’re right. I have been hiding something from you, but I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be hiding.”

“What do you mean?” He whispered, looking expectantly up at Phil.

“I mean…” Phil hesitated. “I don’t know. _I don’t know_. I say I don’t know what’s wrong, but that’s the thing. I have an _idea_. I know I haven’t been okay in a long time. I know that it’s more than me forgetting the little things, like how I was supposed to get the groceries, or forgetting to call my mum on her birthday. But if I’m right, and one day I won’t just be forgetting the little things…”

“Phil.”

“I’ve already called the doctor’s, I’ve already set an appointment for later this week.”

“Then, I’m going with you. I’m not letting you shut me out again,” He stated, although scared Phil would argue against him.

Instead, Phil smiled in relief and said,” Good. I don’t want to shut you out again either.”

-

While Dan was thankful Phil was starting to open up, by the time the appointment came around, he was incredibly anxious. It didn’t help that Phil was still being rather vague about the whole ordeal, which ended up doing nothing more than making him think of the worst possible scenarios. At the doctor’s office, Dan couldn’t believe the turn of events.

“Do you need some fresh air?” Phil asked worriedly, seeing how Dan was physically shaking. He was restless, one of his knees bouncing up and down erratically.

“No, but do _you_? How are you so calm right now?”

Phil responded with a chuckle. “I dunno. I don’t want to make myself worry too much. Besides, I’ve already made peace with what I think is wrong with me.”

“And that is…? You’re being cryptic again.”

“I’m just trying to stay positive,” He said, then placing a hand on top of Dan’s. “I promise. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine.”

It was incomprehensible how Phil could always keep his head up no matter what the circumstance. Those words should have eased his worries, but they didn’t. The wait in the doctor’s office was agonizing. Seconds ticked by, each minute droning on in discomfort. He grasped Phil’s hand tightly in his, believing that just for this moment his thoughts could be weighted down, not fluttering away and dissipating into thin air.

It was the way Phil held him, a firm grip and look in his eyes conveying reassurance that caused Dan to relax a little and slump back on the chair.

A woman of average height and a polite smile on her face eventually called for Phil. The two men both exchanged a glance and Phil didn’t hesitate to pull Dan up with him.

“Hi, Dr. Connell,” Phil said politely, extending the hand that wasn’t still holding Dan’s out for her to shake. “I think Dan should know about what’s going on with me, too.”

Now, Dr. Connell knew about the strong relationship Dan and Phil had, and even had an idea of to what extent their relationship was. They were by no means out to the public still, but having shared the same doctor for years and constantly being by each other’s side was bound to raise questions on her part. She nodded and stepped to the side to let them in the room.

“Of course. Right this way.”

-

The trip home was silent between them. Dan was sure to not meet Phil’s gaze until they arrived home, afraid of what he’d say, what he’d do if he didn’t think the situation through enough. A part of him was relieved to finally know the truth, but he was also horrified to find what exactly that truth was.

The only feeling he could identify was – numb. He was numb. Shapes blurred before him, he felt like he was floating, a ghost in his own skin. White noise rang in his ears and struck him in the gut, and it felt like he had the wind knocked out of him.

Dan knew Phil’s eyes never left him, his gaze burning and piercing his back as they walked home. He felt obligated to say something, but not a single word came to mind.

“Dan—“

“—Don’t,” He said, voice trembling as they stepped into their flat. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. God, he wasn’t ready.

So, he avoided the topic, avoided and prolonged any talk about that. They eventually settled into bed that night, Phil snuggling up to Dan tightly. No words were exchanged, and everything was good.

The air was cleared in the Dan and Phil house and it was as if a new sort of vitality coexisted among them. There wasn’t awkward tension anymore or insecurity toward the other, or at least, it wasn’t a particularly obvious sort of tension. But Dan hadn’t the mind to complain when things began to turn around in his favor.

Dan finally got out of yet another creativity slump with a video titled “Loud Silence”. It could’ve been considered as more of an art piece more than anything, and even Phil had his own eureka for content. In his own time however, he was still writing lists. Not like he did it with Dan around, of course.

It was like walking on eggshells, like they were filling a balloon with helium. Little by little, they’d just barely try to hint at it, and Phil would try to steer any conversation with Dan toward his condition, but it never came up. Dan was too stubborn and was persistent on avoiding the inevitable confrontation at any chance he got, so Phil took to writing his lists in secret.

They were little things. Anywhere from family member names and weekly to-do’s, to birthdays and memories he wants to have written down. (Thankfully, TABINOF did much of that job for him).  Their dynamic was ordinary, normal, and everything was good.

Even then, the balloon filled with helium, and since they never stopped trying to shove it all under the bed, the balloon blew bigger and bigger. It was their new elephant in the room. The pressure rose exponentially and it was really only a matter of time before it popped.

Dan had risen early one morning, and Phil just looked so peaceful beside him that he didn’t want to wake him. He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and his eyes traced every curve of his face. Dan was perfectly okay with just existing for this moment. There was nothing expected of him this early, and he needn’t do more than think about his current life, and what had happened to him before that point, but never the future. He couldn’t let himself think about the future.

All this thinking and none of them included the one thing that mattered the most: Phil. While it was easy for the other to assume this was purposeful, it was nothing more than an automatic coping mechanism he retreated to without warning. Thinking about it would force him to do something about it. Thinking about it would force him to talk to Phil about it, but talking about it would only make it more real.

Ignorance is bliss, after all. He’d rather play pretend than admit that everything would soon crumble beneath him and leave him to tread through the debris alone. He’d rather stay quiet and ignore all the signs that Phil was getting worse than to face the reality that he would be – alone.

His hand reached out to gently stroke Phil’s hair out of his face, and his fingers lightly traced every centimeter of his skin. Of course, that was all wishful thinking on his part. Try as he might, those little gnats of a thought would seep into his brain without warning. It was on mornings such as this where he wished he had control of his train of thought, because marveling at every ridge and curvature of Phil’s body was an opportunity he never took for granted.

Despite the years that stacked between them and the days never leaving each other’s side for even a minute, Dan was still as entranced by Phil as the day they first met. Everything he does and everything he says holds Dan’s attention like a moth to a flame.

Is it too far-fetched of an idea, then, that Dan cannot and will not face the reality that he’ll no longer have the Phil he was entranced by on a day-to-day basis? Dr. Connell had mentioned that part of his symptoms in his later stage would be dramatic mood and personality shifts as an outcome of his forgotten sense of self. It wasn’t like Phil’s life expectancy from that point on would miraculously increase either. In fact, it would be the quite opposite.

Sure, it would’ve been reasonable to assume that Phil would go before Dan. He was older than him after all, and it certainly wasn’t an out of the ordinary thing to accept. But fucking Alzheimer’s? He was so young. They were both so young. He expected a long future ahead for them, but the frailty of time had other plans. Plans without Phil, and plans that worked to limit their end.

“Morning to you too,” Phil said with a yawn as he slid closer to Dan. His position was in a way where he was just barely giving him an Eskimo kiss, but Dan was frozen in place, stunned out of his stupor.

Normally, Dan would offer a response, but it never came. Puzzled, Phil blinked open half lidded eyes to see a very distraught looking Dan. Was he crying?

Apparently he said that aloud, as Dan flinched and retracted away from Phil like he’d been burned. He closed in on himself and looked so fragile, like he could break any second.

He sniffled, not being able to look at Phil properly through his tears. The facade he’d been trying to keep up for nearly four months was crumbling in a matter of seconds.

“Shh, shh,” Phil tried to comfort the other and pulled him close to him once more, suddenly alert and awake. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Please.”

Dan inhaled sharply, breaking into sobs before he said his next words.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Those six words that have haunted him all this time finally surfaced. It was an obvious sentence, but that fact alone didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I’m here. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” He said, trying to wipe away Dan’s tears.

“That’s complete bullshit and you know it, Phil. You can’t guarantee that. You heard Dr. Connell. Time is against you, us, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.”

Phil didn’t say a word and let Dan cry out everything he was feeling.

“I tried. To pretend this wasn’t happening. As if we were okay and I had nothing to worry about, but some idiot I am.”

“You’re not an idiot.”

“I was being stupid. Avoiding the issue did nothing, and it doesn’t matter what I do. You’ll get worse, but I’ll have to accept that.”

“Or you don’t have to,” Phil suggested with a slight smile, stating it so nonchalantly that it caught Dan off guard. “I care about you, and I want you to be okay in the end. If any of this gets to be too much to you, then I understand.“

"Are you _actually_ kidding me?”

“No, Dan. Listen. Just like you said, I’m only going to get worse. I can feel myself getting worse and it won’t be any easier later down the road. This isn’t some walk in the park with a happy ending. I’m slowly fading away and I imagine it wouldn’t be easy for you to watch me like that. If you want to leave, that’s okay. In fact, I’d even encourage it if that’s what’s best for you…”

“Okay, I’m going to stop you right there because now you’re being an idiot. I’m not going anywhere. I thought that much is obvious. We’re Dan and Phil, not Dan and –fuck. It’s you and me, alright? Us, forever, or as long as I’m allowed. So, it’s not easy but why should that mean I have to give this up? If you don’t plan to go anywhere then I’m sorry to say, I don’t either and you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

Phil looked away from him, ashamed that he’d even considered it.

“Do you have such little faith in me?”

He shrugged in response and turned to the bedside drawer to put on his glasses.

“I may have doubted you a little. Not because I thought less of you, but because your happiness is more important to me. If I take that away because of this stupid disease, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I don’t want you to resent me in the end for something I couldn’t control.”

Phil suddenly felt anger at nothing in particular and it was so unprecedented that it made him feel uneasy.

“For something I can’t control,” He said, bitterness laced in every syllable.

He laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

“Just like now,” He huffed, feeling his eyes begin to water. “I’m hardly in control anymore.”

Dan brought his hand up to turn Phil’s head so that he was looking at him. He gently stroked the nape of his neck and ran his fingers through his hair. Phil relaxed under his touch.

“I won’t lie to you. I’m scared and maybe I’m way over my head. I don’t know what will happen from here on out, but I do know that I love you. I will always love you, and that won’t change because of this. Okay?”

Phil kissed Dan and sighed, never more thankful to have him in his life.

“I love you, too. Thank you for finally talking to me,” He hugged the younger man and rested his head on his shoulder.

Dan chuckled, although it came out dry and distant.

“But now what?” He asked, voice wavering as he thought about what this meant.

Phil didn’t have an answer for him and only squeezed Dan tighter.

-

The sweltering heat of summer and the days of stilted conversation soon passed, leaving bright leaves and early frost in its wake.

Those were the better days. One would think Dan’s outlook on life sunk after the talk he had with Phil, but he’s always been full of surprises. He took it as initiative to make each moment worthwhile. Always smiling, always trying to uplift both of their moods, autumn was a time of easy smiles and reinvention.

If only the same could be said about winter. It was the season to be jolly, spending time with loved ones, and being cozy with a cup of hot cocoa next to the fireplace. That’s what Christmas time has always meant to Phil, not the time for him to cause his family grief, to be the bearer of bad news.

After much deliberation between the two, it was decided that Phil would tell his family next when he goes up north for Christmas.

Another list had been started by Phil as a result, except this one was written reluctantly. Any addition to the list easily made him sick with worry and fear. The list held every name of every important person in his life who deserved to know the truth about his upcoming dementia.

What came next ended up being the worst part of it all. It was bad enough having to let Dan in, but his parents? His immediate family members? The thought of their reactions and the sadness easily had him awake and restless on most nights.

Thankfully, Dan wasn’t going to let Phil go alone and offered to join him up north for moral support. Because of this, Dan visited his own family in the days preceding Christmas Eve.

That left him alone for three days. To pass the time, Phil took all of the lists he wrote and transferred them to little black notebooks, as they were previously only written on random scraps of paper. He had just finished transferring the last list when his phone buzzed.

**Dan  
** _on my way home. i’ll be there in a few hours._

**Phil  
** _okay, I’ll wait up for you!_

**Dan**  
_you don’t have to do that. it’s getting late and you should get your rest before tomorrow._

**Phil  
** _but I want to. It’s fine dan :)_

**Dan**  
_if you’re sure. love you_

**Phil**  
_love you too_

Truth be told, he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. He tried to relax enough, but he was flowing through consciousness and unconsciousness so much that it didn’t matter either way. He sighed and tossed and turned in his bed to get comfortable but it was to no avail.

Dan stepped into their flat four hours later. He went straight to his room and dropped his bag at the foot of the bed. He eventually went to Phil’s room and slid under the blankets next to him, wrapping an arm around his chest and nuzzling his face close to the nape of his neck.

Phil stirred beneath him, and although he wasn’t facing him, he knew Phil was still awake.

“Can’t sleep?” The words came out as more of an observation than a question.

The other shook his head in response.

“Couldn’t. How was your parents’?”

“They’re great. Mum kept saying I should visit more often, which will never be any less true. Other than that, it went as normal as it could be. Dad and Adrian were nice asking how you were doing. I didn’t say anything… yet, but it went well, I think.”

“I keep going over it in my head. I tried writing out what I wanted to say, but what was the point? No matter how I phrase it, they’ll react the same. They’ll start looking at me differently. They’ll start worrying about me daily. I wish it could be as easy as it was for you.”

“That doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. But you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, Phil. You can wait until next year or even after.”

“The longer I wait, the longer I’ll have to worry myself sick. I just need to get this over with.”

He shifted and shut his eyes, hoping the night would pass and the hardest days would be bearable.

The next morning was a frenzy of gathering last minute belongings and wrapping the remaining presents Phil had for his family. He forgot to finish wrapping them. They were both exhausted and slept in, which meant they only had a limited amount of time to get everything sorted and not miss their train.

They were ready to leave out the door, Phil holding two presents and a smaller suitcase when he whipped his head around to yell, “Dan! My lists. They’re on my desk, can you get them?”

What greeted him on Phil’s desk, however, was a huge pile of papers. He groaned, not sure how Phil wanted him to take all of this. Thankfully, he remembered Phil telling him that he transferred a majority of the lists to notebooks… that laid underneath the pile.

In his rush to get them, the papers flew and scattered all over the floor. He picked them up quickly but not before catching sight of a list that was smaller in size, and was worn and torn as if it’s been looked at and written on multiple times. Aside from the many lines that were scratched off and rewritten, he was able to make out the bulk of what it said.

  1. Live near the beach
  2. Watch a meteor shower
  3. See the northern lights
  4. Tell the truth. All of it.
  5. Be completely myself
  6. Marry Dan
  7. Attend pride
  8. Have a koi pond
  9. Let go of a floating lantern
  10. Get a dog
  11. Take my mum on the holiday of her dreams
  12. See Halley’s Comet
  13. Love him until I die
  14. Relive Manchester days
  15. Visit the fairy pools in Scotland
  16. Have and grow a garden
  17. Get lost in Tokyo
  18. Hold a baby lion
  19. Finish AmazingPhil
  20. Make him let me go



A bucket list. _Phil had written a bucket list?_ He had no time to process the new information, as he soon pushed it under the stack of papers and grabbed the two notebooks. Phil was calling for him. They were running late.

-

They were sitting next to the Christmas tree, Phil playing with Ben, one of his great-nephews, and Dan couldn’t help but watch them with a fond smile. Everything was starting to calm down after Phil’s announcement. They gathered everyone around, Phil’s parents, his brother’s kids and their kids’ kids. It was a big family gathering, which increased his nerves.

The outcome was as expected. Early onset Alzheimer’s Disease, he said. Gasps were heard, heads shook in disbelief, eyes watered and faces were in sorrow. The room was strained for a while. No one was really sure of what to say or do. The silence was deafening, awkward, but it eventually faded as the night wore on.

Dan glanced at Phil’s mum, who was sat at the table watching them. A cup of hot cocoa was in her hands and she pulled together a smile when her eyes met his. She broke their gaze and looked away, the look in her eyes familiar to him. It was the same kind of eyes that stared back at him in the mirror many months before. They were lost, empty, afraid. Dan stood up, deciding he’d like a mug of hot cocoa, too.

“How’re you holding up?” He asked gently as he sat in the chair adjacent to Mama Lester. She had grown old with age over the years, but there was an eternal youth to her that still remained. Perhaps Phil could follow suit, or so he’d hope.

“Oh, I’m doing fine. Still not used to it, and I can hardly believe… but I’m fine, Daniel. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I see where he gets it from,” Dan observed. “Phil doesn’t like me worrying about him a lot. Even now, but it’s hard not to worry, y'know?”

They both looked at Phil, watching as he conversed with Martyn, and his eyes crinkled as he laughed.

“I’ll never understand why this always happens to the people who are least deserving,” She said, falling into a silent brood.

“I found one of his lists this morning.” Dan finally said after a pause in the conversation. He looked down at his fingers as they traced the rim of the mug. “I didn’t mean to, and I doubt he wanted me to see it, but it was a bucket list. It had everything from traveling and sightseeing, to taking you on the holiday of your dreams.”

“That’s so kind of him.”

“…And one of them said he wants to marry me.” Dan practically choked the words out and he brought the mug to his lips and took a sip, averting his gaze and not quite looking at the woman’s face.

His entire thought process on the way there, aside from trying to console Phil with small talk, revolved around the single issue. It wasn’t the prospect itself, but the discovery put things into perspective and made him think deeply about how much he owed Phil.

“Are you asking for my blessing?” Phil’s mum asked in a tone that was accusatory but still riddled with amusement.

“No, not at all. It’s not that. I mean. Maybe? I don’t know,” Dan said feeling flushed. “I guess I feel like, if that’s what he wants, who am I to argue? He was always so patient with me, but that’s not fair to him at all, is it? I want to be strong for him. I-I want this to be as painless as possible which I know, I know, is unreasonable all things considered, but there’s no harm in trying, right?”

He pushed his mug forward and exhaled. Dan crossed his arms on the table and laid his chin over it. It felt so nice to talk about his concerns with someone else. The aftermath of the news was different on his side of things and having Mama Lester on that side was one of the littler things that made a difference. He didn’t expect a response from her, and yet she spoke anyway.

“Has anyone told you that you worry too much?”

“…It might’ve come up a few times,” He shrugged, and struggled with the words that came next. “I hope it’s not too presumptuous of me to say, but it’s genuinely always been him. It’s always been _about_ him. He’s my entire life and I could never feel sorry about that. I would do anything for him. I wouldn’t’ve stayed by his side if I wouldn’t.“

Mama Lester studied his face and smiled, and her eyes began to water. Dan instantly panicked but she shushed him, ensuring that they were happy tears.

“I hope it’s not too presumptuous of me to say, but thank you.” She placed a hand over his crossed arms. ”You’ve given Phil so much happiness. I don’t think you fully realize how much. He’s strong, but don’t underestimate yourself, Dan. He’s going to need the strength I know you have, and I don’t think there is anyone who can love and care about my son the way that you do.”

He said nothing, unable to react verbally. They shared a look, a moment before Phil snuck up on Dan and tackled him from behind. He jumped in response and they all dissolved into laughter. He craned his neck up to look at Phil and pressed his lips together in a smile. Phil raised an eyebrow quizzically at him but he shook his head. _Whatever it takes, Dan. Whatever it takes._


	3. Ante Meridiem

A new year brought new promises and objectives. The main objective was Dan’s determination in secretly helping Phil cross of every item on his bucket list. He didn’t know if he was ever supposed to see the list in the first place or if the things on that last still applied, but Phil wrote it down for a reason at one point, so there had to be some lingering attachment to those words within Phil somewhere.

He was fully prepared to abandon any doubt or hesitation that remained. The talk he had with Phil’s mum on Christmas sparked the beginning of a Dan that stood with confidence and newfound optimism.

While his optimism remained true, he was by no means as ambitious as he let on. Before he could plunge head first into the ocean’s tumult, he’d have to get his feet wet first. There was certainly nothing wrong with baby steps, after all. Waves of stagnant activity tickled his toes for a while, as he was in no rush to hit the ground running and speed through the list because he could. He would reinforce that every grain in the sands of time had to _mean_ something. If it didn’t, then what was the point? 

Dan thought about what was ahead for them and was content with taking his time, but Phil was the complete opposite and threw himself into the task of crossing off his own list as fast as possible, like ripping off a band aid. The Last List, he ended up calling it. His family already knew, so the worst of it was over, but his friends and acquaintances remained. The Last List wasn’t all too terrible, however, as it allowed Phil to assess who were the most important people in his life, who were the people he appreciated, the people he sometimes takes for granted.

The task itself weighed heavy on both of their hearts, the build up the most grueling, heart-wrenching part of dropping the news. Dan thought of it as akin to death knocking on doors, turning up without warning on what would otherwise be a lovely day shrouded in the mundanity of everyday tasks. Unfortunately, life isn’t too gratuitous.

Life held uncertainty and trepidation with each breath. Life seemed to be working against Phil and the people in his life. It wasn’t fair. Dan was always by his side when they told anyone and assumed the task as an anchor that kept Phil still, present.  He would observe each minute expression that surfaced alongside Phil’s dreadful words he memorized by heart. Not like it was on purpose. _Early onset Alzheimer’s. This is difficult to say. It’s not easy for anyone. No, it’s too soon to guess how long I have. Shouldn’t be more than twenty years at this rate_. They were the same words, the same outcome, to different faces.

They told people in person and Dan couldn’t tell if it did more harm than good. On one hand, it was the opportunity to see friends and family in person, especially if it was one of their YouTube friends who lived in the other side of the world. On the other hand, they travelled with a chip in their shoulders. Rigid and constantly struck with anxiety due to four months of constant announcements, they quickly reached burnout.

“How about we go to Japan?” They’re sat in a Starbucks one morning, Phil gripping onto his cup, bags under his eyes prominent. He hasn’t been getting much sleep for a long while. It broke Dan’s heart to see Phil so exhausted and torn up, despite the fact that he was still smiling and trying to emote positivity nonetheless. Perhaps it’d hurt less if Phil were more concerned about himself and his worsening state, but that wasn’t the case at all. The reactions, the pain that came with having to watch his loved ones realize they’re losing him was what kept him up at night instead. He knew Phil was more wary of him and his well being too, though he tried not to show it. 

“Duncan and Mimei are one of the last few on the Last List and maybe we can take a little holiday, relax for a while,” Dan suggested.

Phil blinked and nodded slowly, sighing in relief. He was thankful Dan was always in sync with what he needed most. “Please? But can we maybe get it over with first before we relax? I don’t want to be so distracted the entire trip, and I owe it to them to not pretend.”

“Yes, of course. And you’re not pretending Phil, they just don’t know. None of this is your fault. Remember that.”

“I know.”

-

As their holiday in Japan that summer neared, Dan thought it was appropriate to finally give Phil’s bucket list a go. Get lost in Tokyo was the goal, but not before finding a way to locate the specific bucket list in Phil’s notebooks for the sake of clarifying they were at least on the same page.

The rehearsed task of crossing off Duncan and Mimei from the Last List occurred the night after they landed in Tokyo. Phil wished he could’ve drawn out the event a little longer, but he had already been struggling to keep it together. He couldn’t look either of his old friends in the eyes, and even Mimei noticed that he was acting peculiar. 

They were the same words, the same outcome, to different faces.

“It never hurts any less,” Phil said afterwards. Duncan and Mimei were both shocked, didn’t cry, and just stared down at the floor unblinking.  Duncan insisted they give them a while to process the news and they didn’t blame them for reacting in that manner.

They had returned to their hotel and were out on the balcony, looking at the bustling city with its gleaming lights that twinkled under the moonlight.

Dan had approached Phil from behind and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his head over his shoulders. They were silent as they watched the city move beneath them.

“I still remember our first time in Japan,” He said, voice melancholic. “I remember it being a long deserved holiday after writing TABINOF, how funny it was when Nick Jonas tweeted you right when we landed in Tokyo. I remember Ghibli, Yoyogi Park, Mt. Fuji. I remember the maid café and Harajuku, the cherry blossoms. We were so young then.”

Dan shut his eyes momentarily and breathed in Phil’s scent. This was his moment. His time to let go of the hesitation and fear that had been weighing him down all those years. It was time to give Phil everything he deserved.

He stepped back and turned Phil around to face him, tentatively grabbing hold of his hand as he pulled him back into the room. 

“Dan, what are you doing?”

He shook his head in response and continued to lead him by the arm until they were outside the hotel, his grin widening as he took in Phil’s questioning gaze.

“I’m not thinking about it.” He beamed at the lights, the people walking and rushing by. “I’m just _being_.” An exhale. “C'mon, follow me!”

At first Phil held back, logically trying to figure out what Dan was up to and where they were going, but there was something about the way Dan looked. His energy was infectious, he was giddy and laughing so much as he ran and pulled him through the crowd that Phil ended up joining in the laughter, too.

Right. Left. Left. Left. Right. They didn’t pay attention to where they were going, only staring up at the buildings and glowing structures they passed by with faces in awe. Eventually Dan pulled them aside next to a shop that had closed for the night

“Number 17, get lost in Tokyo,” He was out of breath as he spoke, his forehead resting against Phil’s. The other man’s cheeks reddened, not used to Dan’s forwardness, especially out in public where people were walking by. It took him a moment to realize what Dan was referring to.

“My list?”

“Your bucket list,” He confirmed, his lips barely ghosting over the other’s. “I want to do everything. Every last bit of it.”

Without another word, he smiled into the kiss and brought his hands up to weave his fingers through the other’s black hair. Phil was taken aback but soon relaxed and pulled Dan tighter against him.

“This is new,” Phil said as he pulled away, although he was grinning so widely it could’ve been comparable to Cheshire Cat. He liked this new spark of life and energy that had ignited within Dan. It was different, but good.

“Try new things?” He offered. They both chuckled at Dan’s reference and Phil nodded. “Try new things. But does this new thing mean you know how to get back to the hotel at least? Because I’m not going to be very much help with remembering that.”

He wrapped an arm around Phil’s shoulder and walked in the direction they came from. 

“It’s _get lost in Tokyo_ for a reason, Phil! You should’ve put something more specific like, get lost in Tokyo but not too lost so that we still know where we’re going,” He teased.

“Dan! Do you really not know where we’re going?” Phil pouted, but he couldn’t push away the smile that remained on his lips.

“No, I have an inkling…“ He said defensively.

-

As it turned out, he did not have any inkling whatsoever. It took them about four hours to finally arrive back at their hotel. Yet even though the night was long and the hours they’ve spent awake combined with jet lag could’ve been a colossal equation that resulted in a deadbeat exhausted Dan and Phil, they simply couldn’t fall asleep.

They were sat in bed together, Dan silently watching Phil as he wrote in his journal and read a few lists. His Alzheimer’s had worsened only slightly, but luckily his lists buffered the outweighing and detrimental effects that would have occurred in the absence of it. This was also a routine that had come to play, for Phil made a habit of reading over his lists every night so that at least some things would stick in his short term memory. As for his long term memory, nothing can help him now.

"What?” Phil asked after a while of silence and seeing Dan’s focused gaze on him from the corner of his eye.

He shook his head with a smile and removed his eyes from their fixture on Phil’s face to look down at Phil’s notebook. “May I?”

Immediately after Phil handed him the small black book, he automatically flipped the pages toward the back, in search of the page he had already looked at multiple times: Phil’s bucket list. With a single stroke of a pen, he crossed off 17: Get lost in Tokyo and looked back up at Phil when finished.

“One down, nineteen to go." 

Phil smiled and still couldn’t fathom how serious he actually was about all this. Dan bit his lip and stared back down at the list, his eyes still wavering back to the single line that had been occupying his thoughts the most.

He shut his eyes once more and took a deep breath to steel himself. _Whatever it takes, you owe it to him. You love him. Everything will be okay._

When he opened his eyes and caught Phil’s questioning gaze, a part of him jump started into action. This was Phil, his best friend, the guy who had stayed by his side despite the obstacles that were thrown their way. He was done hiding it and he was done bottling all the emotions – the happiness, the love, so much love, and he just wanted to scream to the world "I love Phillip Michael Lester” but the only words that came rushing out was the word _six_. 

“Six. Number six,” He clarified as he went to his suitcase to grab what he’d been hiding. He opened the tiny black box and pulled out the obsidian band. Dan sat next to Phil and held it in front of his face.

“Number six said marry Dan and I want to tell you that I’d love nothing more.”

Phil inhaled sharply and his mouth dropped open, never having expected those words to come out of Dan’s mouth. Surely he couldn’t mean…

“I’ve been trying to think about why the idea of marrying you wasn’t automatic. We always said we didn’t need the title of marriage to know that we love each other, and while that is true, I completely missed out on what it could’ve meant instead: a promise.”

Phil continued to shake his head in disbelief. He was definitely hearing Dan’s words loud and clear, but they weren’t registering. This was something he’s hoped for. Ever since his diagnosis, that shred of hope was quickly forgotten and he believed there was no chance that would ever happen.

Marriage was always in the back of Phil’s mind. There wasn’t an overwhelming desire that ate away at him; he simply thought of it as a pleasant idea. _My husband, Dan_. He had to admit that was a phrase he had turned over in his head multiple times. For it to become a reality? Well, it’s safe to assume Phil didn’t anticipate that moment to actually come by. Dan let his free hand cup Phil’s face gently.

“This is my promise to you. A promise that I will always love you for as long as I live. I know that everything is happening so quickly and it feels like we don’t have enough time to spend together, but I promise to give you as much as I can and I promise to make it feel like we have all the time in the world. I have spent my entire life hiding who I am and I want so badly for those days to be over with. It was a long time coming, but I need this. I need you forever and always, or as long as I’m allowed. I have said it once and I don’t care how many times I have to repeat myself, you are my entire life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

”Phil understood and he couldn’t fight the happy tears that flowed in return.

“So, Phil Lester, will you marry me?”

He vigorously nodded his head yes and kissed him passionately. 

“Yes, I love you,” Phil whispered against his neck. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” He peppered kisses down Dan’s chest, whispering the same words again and again, never stopping until Dan moaned and came down from his release.

-

Marriage on the horizon suddenly meant certain changes had to occur. Fortunately, these were happier changes that didn’t result in heartache. They included anywhere from Dan and Phil’s change every day dynamic, to the way it was painfully obvious something had changed between them simply by looking at how they interacted in videos. Their uploading schedule had to change as well in the months that followed.

The resignation from BBC Radio One was a shock to many outside of their circle and their fans were divided as a result. Some thought of the event as near-catastrophic and assumed there was nothing left for them while others masked their disappointment and respected Dan and Phil’s decision. The fans never reacted to change well, which was a shame because it was a complete opposite from their point of view of embracing change. Their resignation wasn’t a new concept within the BBC due to their being informed of Phil’s Alzheimer’s. Their managers and co-workers mutually agreed that although it counted as a definitive sad loss, it would happen sooner or later and in Phil’s case, better sooner than later. It was also understood there is no Dan without Phil.

With more free time on their hands, they were able to spend more time with each other and plan their wedding. The statement was still quite surreal to Phil even four months into planning. It was going to be a small and private wedding that only had their families and close friends as guests. It worked out perfectly and didn’t give them the stress of being prematurely outed due to a vlog.

The months leading up to their wedding was also one of the easier times. It became a little harder for Phil to have a sense of direction in that time, however, as he would physically get lost and forget why he was at a certain location or randomly forget what he was doing there. That was the only substantial difference that affected him, but luck was on their side and these episodes were still rare and infrequent.

His check-ups with Dr. Connell also continued, therefore giving them summaries of Phil’s progress and estimation of the amount of time Phil has left. They tried to focus on anything else but that. 

They decided to go with a wedding in the fall on the 19th of October 2058. Phil had to make sure everything he needed to remember was recorded in an extra notebook. The people who were attending, the schedule, the things they had to do and what time, and last but not least, his wedding vows were written down.

When it came to the actual wedding ceremony, not everything went as expected. With Dan and Phil? Never. For one, tradition didn’t exist to them and Dan was persistent in looking at Phil before the ceremony despite Phil’s _insistence_ that it was bad luck. 

“You’re not allowed to do this,” Phil said, although he was smiling and laughing as Dan followed him that morning.

“Says who? I just want to see my husband-to-be,” Dan responded in a sing-song voice before kissing Phil on the cheek. He sighed at the look Phil gave him. “Okay _fine_ , I’ll go. I’ll go.”

Then there was the part where even though Phil had written and rewritten his vows multiple times, when it became time to actually read it…. he had forgotten to take the paper with him.

“So it appears I’ve forgotten to bring my vows up with me. Surprise!” Phil said, earning a round of chuckles for everyone. Dan was pressing his lips together and trying not to smile but even Phil saw the humor in the situation. Phil looked at Dan, seeing how nice he looked, how this was the guy he would soon officially call his husband. “I don’t think I really need it.” 

In any other case, Phil would have panicked completely, but this was different. He knew Dan. He knew how much he loved Dan. He didn’t need a list or a piece of paper to tell him that.

“When we first met in person, we had already become so close. I remember thinking - wow, this is the fastest I have ever gotten to know someone but I think I’m falling in love with him. I saw you in person for the first time at Piccadilly station and I knew that I never wanted to let you go. It seems like it’s been forever but you know what? To me, it feels like it was just yesterday. I’ve been having a hard time remembering things lately. You and I both know that and it’s so easy to forget the worst is still yet to come, but that day I hugged you for the first time and our first kiss on the Eye is still so clear to me.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is without a doubt, going to be a day where everything I know is going to slip from my fingertips. There is going to be a day where remembering is impossible and familiar is the closest thing I’ll be able to get. But I know that I love you. I know that you are the most important person in my life and I’ll never be able to understand how I got so lucky. What’s ahead is scary but with you by my side, I can be brave and go through anything.”

“Like you said, we’re Dan and Phil. It’s you and me. Us, forever, or as long as I’m allowed. So, this is my promise, to love you until my last breath. To love you until the concept of love is no longer understandable. Daniel James Howell, you have always said that you will love me forever and this is me saying that for as long as I am capable, I will always love you, too.”

Dan’s eyes were glassy and he faked a cough as a means to just barely stop the moisture that was already collecting in his eyes.

“Well, I don’t know how to top that so let’s just call it a day,” He joked, earning laughter from the audience. He looked down at his vows, took a deep breath and looked up at Phil. “I want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The amount of times I say it is incomparable to how thankful I truly am to have you as a part of my life. You were always there when I needed a friend, someone to pull me out of the bubble where I believed I was meant to be alone. You happen to be a stubborn person and any time I tried to put myself down, you never failed to bring me back up and remember that I was loved and important. You did it so often in my younger years that I started to believe it, I saw what you were talking about, and I changed.”

“You taught me how to be happy and you taught me to accept abnormality as a positive trait rather than a negative one. After all, normalness leads to sadness and I think you were on to something. We’re not normal together, we’re not normal apart, but that doesn’t matter because I am always so happy whenever I am around you. You have been my best friend, my confidant, dare I say it, my partner in crime. But most importantly, you are the love of my life and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought possible.”

“You have made me a better person, and I’ll never be able to repay you for all that you’ve done to me. When I proposed, I told you that this is my promise to love you for as long as I live. To give you all that I can and make it feel like we have all the time in the world. I promise to stand by you no matter what obstacles we face from now on. Philip Michael Lester, you have always been here for me, and now it’s my turn to return the favor.” 

Phil couldn’t stop his emotions and he wiped away his tears as he stared at Dan with nothing but love and pure adoration.

“It is now with great pleasure that I pronounce you spouses for life,” the minister said. “You may kiss.”

Sealing it with a kiss, Dan and Phil felt relieved, like a giant weight had suddenly been lifted off their shoulders. They were free, they were free to love each other without any restrictions, and they were happy.

 ****They recorded their wedding. That exact footage was uploaded to both of their channels without warning and without context while they were on their honeymoon. There was bound to be lots of unanswered questions, but they weren’t really worrying about that. Uploading their wedding video was a stepping stone to the official explanation video they planned to make after they returned confessing everything.

 ****Neither of them bothered to worry about it while they were on their honeymoon in Scotland. While there, they managed to cross off some of Phil’s bucket list items, one of which was number fifteen: visit the fairy pools in Scotland.

The view was insanely beautiful, to which Dan made the cheesy joke as he stared at Phil and not at the waterfall that flowed into glorious blue. Phil rolled his eyes and giggled, playfully nudging his husband. They had decided to reap another holiday out of the honeymoon and had their own little retreat in Scotland for a month. A part of them also didn’t want to return to the real world so soon and face the drama they had dropped behind them.

 ****As a result, they managed to cross off number three: see the northern lights. Contrary to popular belief, they did not have to be exactly near the north pole to see it and Scotland surprisingly had a stunning view of the green blue and purple hues that painted the night sky.

 ****Unfortunately their honeymoon couldn’t last forever and they had duties to attend to in the real world. They had to tie up loose ends and clarify to their audience all the things they had kept from them since the start. Not only was it their “coming out” video, but it was also the video that allowed Phil to finally finish The Last List. He had left their fans as the last people to know the truth about his destiny.

 ****They couldn’t say it was any more or any less difficult than it was telling their family members and friends. They had been on YouTube for so long that, with the exception of hiding their relationship, their fans were practically family and knew nearly everything there was to know. Uploading the explanation video allowed them a clean slate, as they were then able to do whatever they wanted, without restriction, without the voice in the back of their minds warning their every move as suspicious and suggestive. They could finally live freely and even went to Manchester Pride, paying no attention and no longer batting an eyelash when fans spotted them holding hands.

 ****Dan and Phil ended up having a kick out of the phandom’s reactions, seeing comments like “I always had the feeling, I told you! I told you!” and “we know, duh” and “congrats I hate you both how dare you do this to my emotions”. Overall, it was an overwhelming positive reaction on the coming out side of things, but Phil’s confession was not met with as much glee.

The same words, the same reaction, to different faces. Phil had almost forgotten how much it hurt, but Dan made sure to keep his head above water and show him the more positive and heartwarming comments like “I wish you both the best and I hope you have a happy life” and “I didn’t expect this at all and I haven’t stopped crying, but you are both so strong and I admire that so much.” It wasn’t the greatest, but it was enough.

Since they were finally free to do anything they wanted and left their secrets and radio one jobs back in London, Phil was excited to make the domestic dream they’ve always dreamt of into a reality.

They moved a little further up in Norfolk. Dan had once again welcomed easier times in those years, although Phil wasn’t exactly at the top of his game. Still, they persevered, and enjoyed the fun that came with moving through Phil’s list and scratching them off one by one. Get lost in Tokyo? Check. Marry Dan? Check. Visit the fairy pools in Scotland? Check. See the northern lights? Check. Tell the truth. All of it. And be completely myself? Check. Live near the beach? Check. He crossed it all off, including watch a meteor shower as they were sat on a blanket and watching the heated space rocks zoom across their atmosphere.

The pieces were all finally slotting together perfectly and they never wanted their bliss to end. After two years assimilating into the comfort of the new place they called home, it was about time the long awaited Dan and Phil dog was finally brought into their lives. Thor the siberian husky was welcomed into the Howell-Lester household, and yes it was completely, a hundred percent Phil who named the pup. Dan wasn’t surprised in the slightest and laughed upon hearing his first and automatic suggestion. Of course Phil wanted to name their dog Thor. He couldn’t necessarily complain though. He had to admit Thor suited him.

Thor was an intelligent dog who was intuitive to their emotions and behavior. With the years slowly stacking behind them, Phil was experiencing much more episodes of frustration and lapses in memory. Thor would curl up against Phil when he was upset and run straight to Dan whenever those not-so-happy days happened.

Dan was looking at the list one day and helped complete a little more, even though Phil had started to forget they even had a list in the first place. He was serious when he said he would help Phil finish his bucket list, even if he can no longer conceptualize that he had one. It was also that determination that didn’t let Dan immediately break down when Phil continued to worsen.

 

He installed a koi pond in their backyard and set aside a little space for Phil’s garden. The garden helped a little bit to calm Phil’s emotions and it was therapeutic to tend to his garden when he was having an off day. While he tried to remain positive, it became difficult when he once again lost control of his emotions and mood swings were at an all time high. When he was able to pick himself up enough to film a video, he did so, and none of his fans had to know how much he was actually struggling to keep it together.

 ****Doubt tried to crawled into his mind, the same doubt he had at the beginning concerning Dan’s well being – but he instantly swatted that away if it came up. He would watch their wedding video and remind himself of Dan’s vows to ensure that everything is fine. He looked at Dan and at Thor curled on his lap and allowed himself to think everything was okay. That was all he really needed to get by; a reminder of the people who loved and cared about him.

 

Thanks to Dan’s continuing persistence in crossing off Phil’s bucket list, he suggested that Phil take a holiday with his mum. He also suggested it because the fact was, Phil wasn’t going to get any better from that point on and they needed a little break to rejuvenate. Dan to refocus and see Dr. Connell for advice on his role as a caretaker, Phil to spend some time with his mum while he still held onto consciousness. 

 

He eventually took to reading stories online, but he couldn’t stomach the sadness of it all. Instead, he tried to pass the time while Phil was away even though he wanted nothing more than to spend every second with him. He took Thor out for walks on the beach, filmed some videos, tried to think of anything but their end that was fast approaching.  

-

“You know what time it is,” Dan said to the camera next to Phil. Cat whiskers have been drawn on their faces. “This. Is Phil is not on fire 46!”

“Fourty-six? _Fourty-six_. It’s been so long!”

“I know right? Who would’ve thought this tradition would last so long.”

“Definitely not me. I’m actually surprised we’ve still kept this going even though it’s kind of ridiculous.”

“Yeah… – wait, what?”

“Sorry to break it to you, Dan, but pinof has kind of been overdone.”

Dan would’ve taken Phil’s words as a joke if it weren’t for the fact that his tone said otherwise. It was condescending and unlike him at all. Dan sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling. _No, not this now. Out of all times. Why now?_

 “Phil, it’s tradition. Of course it’s been overdone, what’re you going on about?”

 “I’m just saying that you’re trying to milk something that’s already dead.”

 Dan knew he shouldn’t raise his temper at Phil, especially when it was obvious this behavior of his was out of the ordinary. Still, he felt like it was a personal attack on not only the tradition they’ve carried all this time, but an attack on their relationship and how it began. Phil is not on fire was more than just silly videos and Phil knew that.

 “Besides, all good things must come to an end. I’m dying and I’m sorry you can’t come to terms with that. You hold onto tradition instead, bowing at my feet and for what? I’m not giving you anything. The only thing I’m giving you is something to cry over. Doesn’t matter in the end what you do, it’ll end the same way and you’ll realize that all of this was for nothing and you were wasting your time for nothing. You’ll leave eventually, so why not get it over it?”

 “Stop it.”

 “Does it hurt to hear the truth?”

 “Phil,  _stop_.” He said through gritted teeth as he grabbed Phil’s wrists. The video was forgotten. 

 “I love you. You know I do. I’m not leaving you and this won’t be for nothing. I promised, remember?” He held up his hand to show him his ring, a reminder of the promise he refused to back down on, no matter what Phil tried to say.

 He knew this wasn’t the Phil he knows, but there was still a part of him that wondered if these were underlying feelings Phil was keeping hidden. They’ve already went over this. Dan was prepared to do anything for Phil but Phil still seemed to think he was going to abandon him.

 Dan’s suspicions were confirmed when Phil burst into tears.

“I remember now – I just, I forget. I forget what I’m doing, I’m so sorry, Dan. I’m so sorry.” Dan hugged him as he cried and he rubbed his hands on Phil’s back to shush and comfort him. 

“It’s okay, Phil. It’s okay. I’m not angry or upset.” Though he knew the damage had already been done. It was irreparable. "I-I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Pretend to be happy for our viewers and pretend I’m okay. This isn’t AmazingPhil. I haven’t been that in a long time,“ He sobbed.

Thor had begun to whimper and howl in the hallway and they could hear him scratching at the door. Silence settled between them and Phil’s breathing was once again even. He had fallen asleep.

When he thought Phil was comfortable, he set him aside and tucked him in before he exited the room. He whistled for Thor to follow him outside to the terrace. Their house had a stunning view of the beach, and the sunset especially. Dan collapsed on one of the reclining chairs and let Thor jump onto his lap.

Their dog had grown bigger over the years, but at the same time, gentler. His blue eyes stared up at Dan as he whimpered. It was obvious to anyone that Dan was heavily distressed. He only ever cried when he was sure Phil couldn’t see.

It’s not easy when your husband starts to forget who you are. Dan had noticed Phil pause for a moment whenever he looked at him, like he was struggling to remember why he was even there in the first place. This day proved how quickly he was losing Phil, and sooner than he’d realized.

What Phil said about PINOF had stung. Even if it wasn’t his true intention, he had a point about Phil is not on fire extending far past its expiration date. In the Phil is not on fire previous to that year, they were just barely able to combine enough footage for a video worthy to be uploaded. Their attempt at filming PINOF 46 showed just how much Dan had been neglecting the signs. Phil was no longer in the condition to participate in such videos, much less his own, even though Dan wanted so badly to hold onto the Phil is not on fire tradition. 

But Phil was right. Holding on tradition was Dan’s only way to stay grounded and cope with the situation. Without it, the tether that held him in place would snap and he would have no way of determining what to do next. Thor interrupted his thoughts by sitting up and licking all over Dan’s face.

"Thor- Thor,” He tried to say, giggling because he wouldn’t let up no matter what he tried. He supposed Thor’s way of cheering him up worked after all.

**-**

When Dan returned to their room, he was surprised to find that Phil was up, sitting near the window and staring at the terrace where Dan had just been. Except the lights were turned off and there was nothing to stare at but the darkness. Had he been watching him all this time?

“I thought you were asleep,” Dan pulled his shirt over his head and sat on the bead.

Phil shook his head.

“I woke up. You weren’t here,” He still stared at the window and didn’t look at Dan. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You know what,” Phil walked toward Dan and sat next to him. “For hurting you like this. And before you argue, yes. I know you’re going to say it’s okay but it’s not.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Phil said after some silence. Those words. They were familiar, and just so damn heartbreaking coming from Phil. “I try to remember everything we’ve done, how we’ve met. Everything. But it’s all fading and I can hardly remember it anymore. I want to remember us and remember what we have.”

He leaned against him and rested his head against Dan’s chest.

“Without us, what’s left?”

Dan didn’t want to know the answer to that.

-

When Dan can reflect on it, he’d realize the talk he had with Phil was the foreshadow to the worst of it.

It began a few months later, when Dan woke up one morning and Phil was screaming. Phil didn’t know where he was, who he was. Dan tried to calm him down but he insisted he didn’t have a clue of who he was. Something inside of Dan broke at that.

Dan was hopeful still, however, and did everything he could to help jog Phil’s memory. They walked through Manchester, the Piccadilly station, where the Eye was. It seemed to work a little bit, but Phil’s mind was always stuck in the past. As far as he was concerned, Dan Howell no longer existed.

Then came Dan’s attempts of showing Phil TABINOF and all their videos. He showed Phil the small things he kept over the years. Phil’s notebooks, their wedding invitations, scraps of paper that did just enough to give him flashbulb memories.

As for Phil, he began to feel lost. Nothing made sense. He tried so hard to fight it, but there was no use. It wasn’t possible to fight something lethal and merciless. He wanted to hold onto everything, but his yesterdays were disappearing faster than ever and his tomorrows held uncertainty. It became harder to communicate and he was soon drowning in some undetermined liquid that prevented him from understanding anything. He wished death would come and wished he could end it before he lost everything, but he had forgotten that thought the moment it came.

Dan read somewhere online that instrumental music and piano playing can help trigger memories. Phil had long since faded by the time he uncovered that information, a ghost in a shell, but it was worth a shot.

Interrupted By Fireworks had always been a special song to them. He hadn’t played it in years but was determined to learn it again, driven by the desperation to have proof that Phil was still _there_ , somehow.

“Dan,” Phil sighed upon hearing the familiar melody.

He felt a lump in his throat at the response and although Phil’s voice was croaky from underuse, it was the most he’s said in a long while. He hadn’t said Dan’s name with such clarity and recollection in almost a year, and Dan drew in a shaky breath in response. Was it actually working?

“He loved this song…” Phil continued to muse, stringing words and sentences together as if nothing was different, nothing changed. Dan continued to play, listening intently to Phil’s voice.

“I wish he knew how much I loved him.”

“You won’t have to worry about that. Dan loves you, too. He will always love you and won’t ever stop.”

“Good.” He smiled. “I’ll never stop loving him, either.”


	4. Ne Plus Ultra

Everything went to shit. Figuratively, and literally when he went to check on Phil one morning. His sheets were stained with brown. He couldn’t take care of himself on his own and although Dan tried to delude himself into thinking he could help out, it was pointless.

Walking became difficult and every day tasks were impossible. Intensive care was needed and Dan had no choice but to bring Phil to a nursing home so that he could be watched 24/7.

Dan still made the effort of visiting as often as he could. He drove to Phil and back, never missing a single day to see him. It took great strength to continue seeing someone who didn’t know who he was, but he persevered.

His health ended up suffering as a result. He went through many stages about losing Phil, similar to going through the five stages of loss and grief. Denial and bargaining, anger and depression, and acceptance. He went through it all.

The denial had always been present since the beginning. He knew Phil was dying, but there was a difference between knowing his husband is dying and _knowing_ his husband is dying. Phil’s mood swings and the harsh realization that he was nothing like the Phil he knew did the job of squashing that denial soon enough.

With bargaining, came regret. They didn’t have enough time. What if Dan had proposed to Phil sooner? They would’ve had more time. He regrets and regrets and regrets shying away for so long.

Then his anger came in waves. Part of it was because he couldn’t understand why he was going to the lengths of visiting Phil daily when he wouldn’t thank or recognize him. Dan began to resent him a little bit and there was one specific month where he didn’t have the energy to see Phil any longer. He wondered if Phil was right all along, since he was doing so much but it all resulted in the same outcome. Phil would die and he was wasting his time.

He hated himself more for even trying to think that and he was just sad. He felt sad and sunk further into an existential crisis. What was worse was that there would be no one to pull him out of it. He thought about his own life and how Phil cemented his thinking of being insignificant and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and what would exist beyond him.

Through it all, his own family were less enthusiastic about Dan’s level of dedication. They were worried for him and were among the influences for his period of anger. They cemented in him that he was being weak for sticking by Phil when hope had already disappeared for a long while. They drilled it into his head that he was wasting what was left of his life for someone who didn’t even know who he was for fuck’s sake. He despised the line of thinking although he understood where they were coming from. Dan insisted yet again that he was willing to do anything for Phil.

That’s what he signed up for when he married him. In sickness and in health, he vowed to stand by him no matter what obstacles they faced and he intended to keep that promise. It infuriated him when people claimed to know about things they didn’t. This was his life and he chose to dedicate it all to Phil. It wasn’t anything new, after all. The question of who he was without Phil Lester had the simple answer of: no one. He would be no one without Phil, traveling through life lost and in search of something that could possibly make him feel complete. Even though Phil was slipping away from him and was moving toward unconsciousness, he still made Dan feel complete. Through and through, he wouldn’t want a life without Phil. That much was certain to him.

-

Dan groaned and woke up one morning to eleven text messages and four missed calls. He didn’t like the look of that.

“Hello?” Dan responded, the sound of his cell phone ringing again. It was Martyn.

“Dan, I’m sorry.”

His eyes shot open from drowsiness and he didn’t think twice before heading straight out the door. Thor barked for him but he didn’t give him a second. He didn’t care that he was only in a t-shirt and sweats, he only paid attention to the way his stomach dropped at the tone of Martyn’s voice.

“What happened? I don’t – he was just fine a few days ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, he _can’t_ be,” He all but screamed into the phone. “I couldn’t even say goodbye.”

With that, he hung up and focused on driving to the hospital, but his thoughts were running a million miles a minute. He was never able to have a proper goodbye, and maybe that’s what hurt the most.

He sat in the car for who knows how along. He knew what was waiting for him inside, but he wondered if he could avoid it. The naive part of him wanted to run away and not confirm the truth, perhaps live under the false pretense that Phil was okay, but naivete got him nowhere.

His stomach turned and flipped with every step and his indifferent expression turned into a frown the moment he spotted Martyn. He was sat in a chair outside Phil’s room and the expression on Martyn’s face said it all. The other man tried to muster a smile when he saw him approach, but it didn’t work out.

“I don’t wanna look. I’m scared.”

“You should. You’ll regret it if you don’t. He left something for you,” He said, motioning in the direction of the room. He elaborated. “The nurse said that before he passed, he had a moment of clarity. He woke up and was looking for you, but they couldn’t get a hold of you. He told the nurse to give him a pen and the book that was on the table?”

Dan’s eyes widened and he changed his mind. He swallowed thickly when he saw Phil with his eyes shut, the color in his cheeks gone. At the very least, Phil finally looked like he was at peace. Dan immediately located the black notebook on the side. He just had to check and ended up crying the moment he saw what had changed. Love him until the day I die had been crossed off.

-

The whole concept of funerals never sat right with Dan. They say funerals are meant to celebrate the living, but Dan couldn’t help but think of the entire thing as a sick joke. He had politely declined the offer to give a eulogy, as he was certain he wouldn’t be able to say a word before his emotions get the better of him. He’d rather not put himself through the struggle because he knew exactly where his limits lied. The ceremony itself was difficult enough.

It was odd to see so many old faces, old friends. If he didn’t know any better, it could’ve been a reunion. He would’ve been glad to see old YouTuber friends and the like again, but he felt cheated. They were all coming together, not because it was a party or a celebration, but to mourn over the loss of Phil.

The viewing struck him the most. Phil looked nothing like the Phil he knew. He was abnormally pale, even more so than the usual whiteness of his skin they’d always joked about. Dan stared at him, as if he was trying to will him awake and hope to any deity out there that this was all just a horrible nightmare. But that was foolish to think. There was no life here.


	5. Terminus

“Hello Internet.”

Brown eyes stared into the camera, feeling nothing short of uncomfortable before it. Funny how the one outlet that once brought him comfort now made him feel overwhelmed. He paused and steeled himself, taking a deep breath.

“Before I say anything else, I know what you’re thinking. Dan, where have you been? In my defense, I don’t really have one. I mean, not really. Not one that can be summed up articulately into a succinct five-minute video tied together with an apology. But I can try.”

Another pause.

“Now you all know just as well as I do how everything went down, but just in case you’ve been out of the loop, attending to your own personal lives that I’m sure are much more important and eventful than mine, here’s a little recap.“

His hands are gesturing frantically, and they’ve even started to tremble.

“Everything was relatively normal. I was uploading semi-regularly – as regular as I could ever get – doing radio shows, and then one day… It all just stopped. Because of this, my channel has been inactive for a little over three years. I know I’m by no means a consistent uploader, never have been, but a lot of you thought it was odd. And you were right. It wasn’t normal, and some of you tried to contact friends of mine who may have answers, but they were all vague. It was because I asked them to be – and then when you tried to ask Ph-Phil…”

He stopped and looked away from the lens, the viewfinder. His entire frame trembled as he stood up and tried to clear his head. He had to do this. He had to continue.

"It was because I asked them to be,” He resumed. “And then when you tried to ask Phil… nothing. You received nothing. Not because I told him to, because believe me. I would love nothing more than for Phil to appear and tell you that everything is perfect and the way it should be, but that’s not happening because Phil is no longer here.”

Not a day has gone by where he wasn’t on his mind, where Dan wasn’t constantly mourning and feeling the poignancy of it all. How there was no longer someone by his side, and how there was no one to fill the emptiness in his heart. He hasn’t said his name aloud in so long. Dan started to cry genuine, heartfelt tears – something he’s never done throughout the entire history of danisnotonfire.

“Sorry, excuse me.” He wiped his nose and cleared his throat. “This is all very difficult, and new, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good. Phil taught me that, you know? Even when we were worried about his future and the amount of time we had left, he embraced change and accepted it as something good. He accepted change as the opportunity for new experiences. He always saw the glass half full and maybe that’s why I loved him so much.”

He took a deep breath.

“Alzheimer’s may have taken his body and his mind, but it didn’t take his heart. In the moments before he died, he remembered me, and us. He remembered the promise to love me until the day he dies, and guess what? He did.”

He smiled, though his tears still flowed freely.

“This channel began with Phil and the only right thing to do is to end it with him. There’s nothing left here for me. I can’t pretend that I have more to share with the world because the fact is, I don’t. All that’s left for me to do now is carry on with life and hope for the best.”

He looked away from the camera again and wiped some of his tears.

“To anyone who has watched and been around as early as 2009, and to the people who came along the way, I just wanted to say: thank you. I never imagined my life to turn out the way that it did, but it happened. It’s real. I found happiness and confidence, I found my best friend and the love of my life. Every moment we shared was important, the littlest fraction you were allowed to see didn’t even begin to cover half of it. I will remember this, even though Phil couldn’t. I will always remember the laughs, the jokes, all the good times we shared with each other. This was truly the most fun I have ever had. Goodbye, Internet.”

-

But that wasn’t the end of Dan’s journey. There was but yet one last item that remained on Phil’s bucket list, and unfortunately he didn’t live to see it.

Halley’s comet only arrives once every 75 years. As he stared at the comet on the night of July 28, 2061, he thought of Phil and hoped that somehow, and in some way, Phil was able to see it, too.

His hand ran over the pages of Phil’s notebook, Thor laid down next to him. Every bump and ridge of ink against the paper was traced by his fingertips. He wanted to believe Phil was with him in that moment.

He turned the pages until he reached the end and pulled his pen out. Every last thing on the list was completed and he smiled upon once again reading “love him until the day I die.”

Life goes on without Phil, but Dan found comfort in the idea that Phil never really left him at all. He saw Phil in the trees, in the wind that carried his thoughts. It took a while for him to be comfortable talking about him, but once he did, he could never resist talking to others about an amazing man he once knew named Phil Lester.

Sometimes he’d come across fans on the street who’d greet him or give him a hug. There would be a split moment when a fan would look to the side of him and remember that things were different. “I’m so sorry. I keep forgetting,” they would say. Dan never criticized any of them. Of course Dan could exist without Phil, but everyone felt the gap, the emptiness that came with only referring to Dan alone.

There were days where he’d allow himself to cry. It was healthy to do, or at least that’s what he thought was true. There were days where he’d put on Phil’s own jacket and pretend for one moment the older man was hugging him tightly. It wasn’t much, but it got him through life. The last moments before death consisted of thinking about Phil of course, but also despite everything that had happened in his life, he was truly happy and satisfied with the mark he left behind on the world. He was buried in the open spot next to Phil, right where he always belonged.


	6. Epilogue

White; it’s a blinding kind. Dan groans and looks around. He could swear the place looks familiar. The ground shakes and a loud noise that sounds like the toot of a train reverberates through his ears. He felt lighter, healthier. Younger, even. His questioning is harshly interrupted by the rush of wind against his face, and the train whizzes past him on the train tracks. There were people, but they looked nothing more than grey shapes floating to and fro. His eyebrows knit together in confusion as he slowly pushed through the crowd.

“Dan?”

His head whipped around to the source of the sound. He could feel his stomach drop when his eyes focused on the tall man with a black fringe and striking blue eyes.

“Phil,” He said, bringing a hand to cover his mouth in shock.

He looked younger, the way he did when they first met, and there was life in his eyes. Before he could say anything else, he was tackled and enveloped in a hug. He inhaled his scent of pine and could feel tears form in his eyes.

“It’s you. You’re here.”

“I’m here,” Phil confirmed, holding him tighter, refusing to ever let go. “Forever.”


End file.
